Being a good dad has always been my highest aspiration. Growing up with an absent father and a grandfather who was an overt malignant narcissist, I wanted to break the cycle and be a decent father to my children. Unfortunately, my journey has been marred by physical limitations and the toxic influence of Milly, my mother-in-law, who took full advantage of my vulnerabilities.
Physical Limitations and Missed Opportunities
My physical limitations have always been a hurdle. I can’t use my hands well and the last time I tried playing catch with my son, I ended up hurting myself. These limitations have prevented me from engaging in many of the activities that fathers typically enjoy with their children. Despite my best efforts, I've always felt that I've fallen short. Milly exploited these limitations, positioning herself as the more capable guardian in the eyes of my children.
A Toxic Influence: Milly’s Manipulation
Milly’s influence has been a consistent barrier to my relationship with my children. She took full advantage of my physical limitations, subtly and overtly undermining my role as a father. This manipulation extended to Julie and the kids, indoctrinating them to view me with disdain. While these views have started to fade over time, the damage to our relationships during their formative years is irreversible.
Milly is a predator.
My Own Childhood Shadows
My desire to be a good dad stems from my own experiences growing up. My dad wasn't around, and my grandfather, my mom’s dad, treated me poorly. He was an overt malignant narcissist, and his treatment left deep scars. I wanted to ensure my children never felt that way, but despite my intentions, the cycle seems to have caught up with me in different ways.
The Pain of Lost Time
The hardest part of this journey has been the realization that I've missed out on precious time with my children. These formative years, once lost, can never be reclaimed. The aspirations I had of building a decent life with my children are fading quickly. Unless my children become proactive towards mending our relationship, I feel I have failed in this most important role.
A Glimmer of Hope
Despite the overwhelming sense of loss, I hold onto a glimmer of hope. The indoctrination that led my children to view me with disdain is slowly fading. There is a possibility that we can still build bridges, even if it seems daunting at times. I believe that if I continue to show up, even in small ways, and remain open to them, there might be a chance for healing.
Moving Forward: What Can Be Done?
If you are in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. Here are some steps that might help in navigating these difficult waters:
Regain Confidence: Trust in your abilities and remember that your worth is not defined by others' perceptions.
Open Communication: Try to maintain open lines of communication with your children. Let them know you are there for them, even if it's just through small gestures.
Seek Support: Find friends, support groups, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and can offer guidance.
Prioritize Self-Care: Focus on activities that promote your mental and emotional well-being.
Be Patient: Understand that rebuilding relationships takes time. Be patient with yourself and your children.
Conclusion: Holding Onto Hope
While my journey has been fraught with challenges and heartbreak, I hold onto the hope that it’s not entirely too late. The dream of being a good dad hasn’t vanished—it’s just taken a different path. I believe that with patience, persistence, and a focus on healing, there is still a chance to forge meaningful relationships with my children.
To anyone out there facing similar struggles, remember that you are not defined by your failures but by your efforts to overcome them. The journey towards healing and building better relationships is tough, but it's a journey worth taking.