The complex dynamics of relationships with narcissists often involve the deliberate stoking of emotions, particularly anger, to maintain control and manipulate those around them. One of the most insidious aspects of narcissistic behavior is their ability to use anger as a weapon, turning those closest to them into tools for their own ends. This post delves into how narcissists, like Milly, stoke anger in others and the devastating impact it can have on individuals and families.
The Power of Anger
Anger is a powerful emotion that, when provoked, can cloud judgment and lead to actions that might not otherwise be considered. Narcissists are master manipulators who understand this all too well. They leverage anger to control and dominate, often using it to keep certain individuals under their power.
Billy: The Scapegoat
Milly has effectively kept Billy under her control by stoking his anger. She manipulates situations to provoke him, knowing that his emotional responses can be used to her advantage. By keeping Billy in a state of heightened anger and always on edge, Milly ensures that he remains a reliable tool in her arsenal. She uses him as the scapegoat, directing blame and frustration towards him, which not only keeps him in line but also diverts attention away from her own shortcomings and manipulations. This behavior is a clear form of emotional and psychological abuse.
Example: Milly would often accuse Billy of things he didn’t do, like forgetting to complete a task or failing to meet her unrealistic expectations. When Billy defended himself, she would escalate the situation, causing him to become angry and frustrated. The more Billy reacted, the more Milly manipulated the narrative to make him seem irrational and unstable in front of others.
Specific Incident: One particular incident involved Milly blaming Billy for forgetting coupons when they went shopping. Despite Billy's efforts to remember, Milly would create a scenario where something went wrong, ensuring that Billy was always at fault. This constant blame game kept Billy in a state of frustration and anger, furthering Milly's control over him. Milly wouldn't even tell Billy it was his responsibility to remember the coupons, adding to his confusion and frustration.
My Resistance to Manipulation
Milly attempted to stoke anger in me as well, but I was onto her tactics. Recognizing the pattern, I refused to let anger take hold, which ultimately diminished her power over me. Understanding how narcissists manipulate emotions is a crucial step in resisting their control. However, it's not always easy, especially when the narcissist is relentless in their efforts to provoke.
Personal Example: During a family gathering a couple of years ago, we were watching "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation." In the scene where Clark W. Griswold becomes angry over his Year-End Bonus, Milly attempted to provoke me. She said, "Angry Man!" and then leaned forward to see if I reacted. I remained non-reactive, watching her from the corner of my eye. After a few seconds, she leaned back and continued watching the movie. She tried to stoke my anger, but I did not give in. Now, I am no contact with her, and whenever she came around before, I kept my interactions with her brief.
The Narcissist's Game: Provoking Emotions
For narcissists, stoking emotions in others—especially anger—is often just a game. Milly plays this game from the moment she wakes up in the morning until she goes to sleep at night, taking advantage of any situation. She is highly adept at manipulating multiple emotional triggers to keep those around her in a constant state of turmoil. This behavior serves multiple purposes:
Entertainment: For some narcissists, provoking anger and watching the ensuing chaos provides a perverse form of entertainment.
Control: By keeping others emotionally destabilized, narcissists maintain control, ensuring that those around them remain off-balance and easier to manipulate.
Deflection: Provoking anger in others can divert attention away from the narcissist's own actions and shortcomings, placing focus and blame elsewhere.
Validation: Narcissists often have a deep-seated need for validation. Provoking strong emotional reactions can affirm their sense of power and importance.
Recognizing Emotional and Psychological Abuse
Milly's behavior towards Billy is a clear example of emotional and psychological abuse. This type of abuse can take many forms, including:
Manipulation: Controlling someone's emotions through constant provocation, blame, and guilt-tripping.
Isolation: Using tactics to isolate the person from supportive relationships and networks.
Degradation: Regularly putting someone down, making them feel unworthy or incompetent.
Gaslighting: Making someone doubt their own perceptions and reality, causing confusion and self-doubt.
The impact of such abuse is profound and far-reaching. It can:
Erode Trust: Constant provocation and manipulation erode trust within relationships, leading to a breakdown in communication and connection.
Cause Isolation: Those manipulated by anger may find themselves isolated, as their behavior alienates them from others who might offer support.
Create Emotional Turmoil: The constant state of heightened emotions takes a significant toll on mental and emotional well-being, leading to stress, anxiety, and depression.
Damage Self-Esteem: Being used as a tool by a narcissist can severely damage an individual's self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
Example: When Julie was younger, Milly would dismiss Billy's anger by telling Julie that Billy was just being an angry man. The reality was that Billy was often angry because Milly was playing a manipulative game and not letting anyone else in on the rules. This confusion and frustration only deepened Billy's emotional turmoil and isolation.
Recognizing and Resisting Manipulation
Understanding how narcissists stoke anger and other emotions is the first step in resisting their manipulation. For anyone in a position similar to Billy's, it's crucial to prioritize self-care and support yourself through these challenges. Here are some strategies:
Awareness: Recognize the patterns of manipulation and understand that the narcissist's actions are deliberate and calculated.
Emotional Regulation: Practice techniques to manage and regulate your emotions, such as deep breathing and cognitive reframing. For instance, when you feel anger rising, take a moment to pause and breathe deeply before responding.
Boundaries: Establish and maintain firm boundaries to protect yourself from manipulation. Clearly communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and enforce consequences if those boundaries are crossed.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive individuals who understand the dynamics of narcissistic manipulation and can offer guidance and encouragement. Talking to a trusted friend or counselor can provide you with the emotional support you need.
Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to maintain your mental and emotional health. Personally, I recommend getting into nature. Put the phone down and just connect with nature. It's okay being by yourself—let it happen. On our farm, I find that spending time with our animals is an amazing reset for me. Petting them, talking to them—they listen to you. They'll talk to you as well.
General Guidance:
For those finding themselves in a situation similar to Billy's, here are some specific steps to support yourself:
Practice Mindfulness: While you may not have practiced mindfulness before, it's never too late to start. Simple mindfulness exercises, such as focusing on your breath or observing your surroundings without judgment, can help you stay grounded and reduce stress.
Set Clear Boundaries: Let the narcissist know that certain behaviors are unacceptable. For example, if they start blaming you for something you didn't do, calmly but firmly state, "I know I did my best to remember the coupons. I won't engage in a blame game."
Find Support: Reach out to a friend or family member who understands what you're going through. Sharing your experiences and feelings can provide relief and offer new perspectives.
Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Rediscover hobbies or activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it's reading, gardening, or taking a walk, make time for activities that nourish your soul.
Consider Professional Help: Sometimes, talking to a therapist or counselor can provide you with the tools and strategies to cope with and overcome emotional abuse. They can offer personalized guidance and support tailored to your situation.
Conclusion
Narcissists, like Milly, often stoke anger in others as a means of control and manipulation. Understanding this behavior is crucial in resisting their influence and protecting oneself from the emotional turmoil they cause. By recognizing the patterns and implementing strategies to manage emotions and establish boundaries, it is possible to break free from the cycle of manipulation and abuse.
Remember, the power to choose your response lies within you. You are not alone in this journey, and with awareness and support, you can reclaim your emotional well-being and move towards a healthier, more balanced life.
Let us not forget: If Milly wins, everyone else loses.
Reflecting on these experiences can be painful, but it is also a crucial step in healing and empowerment. If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that you have the strength to overcome and that support is available. Together, we can navigate the challenges posed by narcissistic manipulation and build a future grounded in emotional resilience and well-being.