Have you ever felt like you’re screaming into the void, hoping someone will finally hear you? That’s been my reality as I navigate a complex and painful health journey, often feeling unsupported and misunderstood.
My Health Journey:
Early Signs & Dismissals:
My health issues go way back. Growing up, my complaints were often dismissed or mocked by my family. My maternal grandfather, Pa, a malignant overt narcissist, would make fun of me, and others followed suit. Doctors over the years either brushed me off or sent me through endless hoops, leaving me frustrated, with more questions, and a lighter wallet.
The Pain & Struggles:
Today, my health is rapidly deteriorating. My back muscles are in constant pain, and my entire spine, including my neck, pops like knuckles. I can’t build muscle or recover from injuries anymore. My circulation is severely impacted, and my hands and feet are often very cold to the touch. We’ve tested this with thermometers.
My nervous system is also a mess. I feel different sensations all the time, and my body wants to curl to the left and forward. Physical therapy hasn’t worked, and every day is a battle with pain and limited mobility.
Medical Runaround:
Despite seeing countless doctors, I still don’t have answers. Some say it’s all in my head, while others claim I’m too young for these issues. My latest doctor ran me around in circles, draining money I didn’t really have.
Family Dynamics:
The Narcissistic Influence:
The lack of support from my family has been devastating. My older brother and other family members have outright said I deserve everything bad that happens to me. My mother-in-law, Milly, seems to believe the same. Her actions have certainly shown it. She and her husband, Billy, have made things worse over the years, refusing to change or offer support.
Lack of Support:
For many years, Julie and the kids didn’t fully understand my struggles. Thankfully, they see it now, but the journey has been long and hard. I rely on them for almost everything physical. They’ve built the farm with little help from me, but it’s been a constant struggle to get things done, especially with Milly and Billy never holding Julie accountable. Their family doesn’t even know how bad things are because Milly has decided it’s too inconvenient to acknowledge.
Reflection:
Current State & Feelings:
Today, I find myself in bed by 10:30 AM. Yesterday, I was able to walk around more, but each day is getting worse. The pain, the limited mobility, and the emotional toll are overwhelming. The farm and house are often messy, and the burden of cleaning up has unfairly fallen on me, as decreed by Milly. Work, especially with Viasat, has suffered, ultimately leading to my layoff.
Rhetorical Questions:
How long until I don’t get up anymore?
Will I ever be supported? At what point? Do I need to be fully paralyzed for anyone to help me?
Will I be able to develop a Robotic Body to transplant my head to?
Final Thoughts:
Family Scapegoat Abuse (FSA) is real, and my experience is a testament to that. Julie and the kids are supporting me more now, but it feels like too little, too late as they have a farm to build and money to make. I am unable to do any kind of "normal" work anymore. I don't have any official disability either, making financial help non-existent.
Despite everything, I hold onto hope that things can change, that true support will come. For now, I continue to share my story, hoping someone will finally hear me.