top of page

The Price of 'Support': How Pa's Help Came with Strings Attached

In the intricate dance of family dynamics, support can be a double-edged sword. Nowhere was this more evident than in the relationship between Pa and our family, particularly my mother. What appeared on the surface as generous assistance was, in reality, a carefully crafted system of control. Today, we'll delve into the ways Pa's financial and practical support became tools of manipulation, and explore the long-lasting impact this had on my mother, my siblings, and me.


Chains of control

Pa's support came in various forms, each seemingly benevolent but laden with implicit expectations and obligations. The most significant, of course, was the house he built, which we've explored in depth in our previous post. But his 'generosity' extended far beyond those four walls.


Financial Support:Pa's role as a financial backstop for our family cannot be understated. With my father out of the picture and no child support coming in, Pa positioned himself as the primary source of financial stability. This support, however, came at a steep price.


Every dollar Pa provided was a thread in the web of control he wove around my mother. Need money for groceries? Pa would provide, but with it came the right to scrutinize every purchase. School supplies? Pa would help, but this meant he had a say in our educational choices. This financial dependence made it incredibly difficult for my mother to make autonomous decisions or to challenge Pa's authority in any meaningful way.


The long-term consequence of this financial control was a persistent state of learned helplessness. My mother, despite her best efforts to gain independence through jobs at Winn Dixie and later as a prison guard, was never truly able to break free from Pa's financial orbit. This dependency not only affected her self-esteem but also modeled a troubling dynamic of control and submission for us children.


Practical Support:Pa's practical support, while genuinely helpful at times, was another avenue for maintaining his grip on our lives. His skills as a handyman meant he was often called upon for repairs and maintenance, both in the house he built and in our day-to-day lives. Each leaky faucet fixed or car problem solved reinforced the narrative that we couldn't manage without him.


Perhaps the most poignant example of how Pa's practical support became a tool for control was in his involvement with our leisure activities. The fishing trips to the Chesapeake Bay, which on the surface seemed like wonderful bonding experiences, were orchestrated and controlled entirely by Pa. These trips, while creating happy memories, also served to reinforce Pa's role as the family patriarch and decision-maker.


The long-term impact of this practical support was a family dynamic where independence was discouraged, and Pa's involvement was expected in almost every aspect of our lives. For my mother, this meant a constant struggle between gratitude for the help and frustration at the lack of autonomy. For us siblings, it created a complex relationship with the concept of self-reliance.


Emotional Support and Its Cost:While less tangible, Pa's emotional support was perhaps the most insidious form of control. In the aftermath of my parents' divorce, Pa positioned himself as a pillar of stability and comfort. However, this emotional support came with the unspoken expectation of unwavering loyalty and compliance.


Pa's emotional support often took the form of validation when we aligned with his wishes and subtle (or not so subtle) disapproval when we didn't. This created a family environment where our worth seemed tied to our ability to meet Pa's expectations and conform to his worldview.


The long-term consequences of this emotional manipulation were profound. For my mother, it resulted in a persistent pattern of seeking validation from others, often at the expense of her own needs and desires. For us siblings, it led to difficulties in setting healthy boundaries in relationships and a tendency to doubt our own judgments and feelings.


Impact on Sibling Relationships:Pa's system of support and control has had a profound and lasting impact on the relationships between us siblings. His tendency to play favorites, offering more support to those who complied with his wishes, created an undercurrent of competition and resentment that persists to this day.


What's particularly troubling is that even after Pa's passing, his influence continues to shape my siblings' lives and perspectives. While I've come to recognize the manipulative nature of Pa's behavior, my siblings remain under the sway of his influence, unable or unwilling to see the true nature of his actions.


This disparity in our perspectives has created a rift between us. My attempts to discuss Pa's narcissistic tendencies and manipulative behaviors are often met with resistance, denial, or even hostility from my siblings. They continue to view Pa's actions through a lens of unconditional love and support, unable to see the strings that were always attached.


Breaking the Cycle:Recognizing the true nature of Pa's support has been a crucial step in my personal journey towards healing and independence. However, this journey has been a solitary one, as I find myself alone in my understanding of Pa's narcissistic behaviors.


For my mother, the process of breaking free from Pa's influence was a struggle that continued until her untimely passing. The fact that she died before Pa adds a layer of tragedy to this narrative. She never got to fully experience life without the weight of his control, and the echoes of his influence shaped her decisions and self-perception until the end.


Her passing before Pa's serves as a stark reminder of the lasting impact of narcissistic control. It underscores the urgency of recognizing and addressing these dynamics in our lives, as we may not always have the time we think we do to break free and heal.


For my siblings, Pa's influence continues to shape their decisions, relationships, and self-perceptions. They remain entangled in the web of manipulation that Pa wove, perhaps finding comfort in the familiar patterns of behavior and thought that he instilled in them.


This situation presents unique challenges. Not only am I working to heal from the effects of Pa's manipulation, but I'm also navigating the complex emotions that come with being the only one in my family to see the truth. It's a position that can feel isolating and at times, overwhelming.


Despite these challenges, I remain committed to breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse in my own life and relationships. I've had to learn that true support comes without strings attached, that love shouldn't be conditional, and that independence is not just allowed but encouraged in healthy family dynamics.

My journey of healing now includes not only processing my own experiences with Pa but also coming to terms with the fact that my siblings may never see him as I do. This realization brings its own form of grief and loss, as I mourn not only for the healthy grandfather we never had but also for the shared understanding with my siblings that seems increasingly unlikely.


As I continue to navigate the aftermath of Pa's influence, I'm learning to redefine what family support looks like, even if that means creating a chosen family of individuals who share my understanding of healthy relationships. I'm working on offering help without expectation, accepting assistance without feeling indebted, and building relationships based on mutual respect rather than control.


In our next post, we'll explore how Pa's influence extended into our social lives and community interactions, shaping our worldview in ways that I'm only now beginning to understand. Until then, I encourage you to reflect on the nature of support in your own life and family dynamics. Are there patterns of behavior that some family members see clearly while others don't? How do you navigate relationships when perspectives on shared experiences differ so dramatically?


Remember, recognizing these patterns is the first step towards changing them. By shining a light on the true cost of Pa's 'support,' I not only honor the struggles our family faced, particularly our mother's ongoing battle, but also arm myself with the knowledge to create healthier, more balanced relationships in my own life. In doing so, I carry forward the hope for change that our mother may have held but wasn't able to fully realize in her lifetime, even if I must carry this torch alone within my family.

bottom of page