Living under the influence of a covert malignant narcissist can lead to chronic dissociation as a survival mechanism. By sharing my personal experiences, I hope to provide insight into the challenging and often invisible struggles faced in such environments.
Checklist of Dissociation from Narcissists
Here is a checklist of common dissociative experiences that you might encounter:
Depersonalization:
Feeling detached from your body or mind.
Observing yourself from outside, as if you're watching a movie.
Feeling like a puppet or automaton.
Derealization:
Perceiving your surroundings as unreal or distorted.
Familiar environments feel strange or alien.
Objects or people may seem foggy, dream-like, or visually distorted.
Dissociative Amnesia:
Inability to recall important personal information.
Gaps in memory related to traumatic events.
Frequently forgetting daily activities, conversations, or commitments.
Identity Confusion or Alteration:
Experiencing uncertainty about who you are.
Feeling different or like different people at different times.
Significant changes in behavior, preferences, or self-perception that are not consistent with your usual self.
Emotional Numbness:
Diminished ability to feel emotions.
Feeling disconnected from your emotions or others' emotions.
Difficulty empathizing or emotionally connecting with loved ones.
Out-of-Body Experiences:
Feeling like you are floating outside of your body.
Experiencing a sensation of being disconnected from your physical self.
Moments of feeling like you’re in a different place or time.
Time Distortion:
Losing track of time or experiencing time passing unusually fast or slow.
Hours, days, or weeks passing without clear memory of what happened.
Events from the past feeling like they happened in a different lifetime.
Avoidance of Triggers:
Avoiding places, people, or activities that remind you of the narcissist.
Feeling anxious or fearful when confronted with triggers.
Intense reactions to seemingly innocuous reminders of trauma.
Fragmentation of Self:
Having different “parts” of yourself that handle different situations.
Feeling like different versions of yourself in different contexts.
Struggling to integrate these parts into a cohesive sense of self.
Mental Blankness:
Moments of blanking out or zoning out during conversations or activities.
Difficulty concentrating or maintaining focus.
Sudden inability to remember what you were doing or thinking.
Personal Reflections:
Living with Julie has been a constant battle against her dissociative tendencies, impacting both everyday life and our larger projects:
Everyday Tasks: Julie often didn't notice everyday tasks that needed attention, such as taking out the trash. She would leave items like bottle tops and paper linings on the counter, never making it to the trash can. Cleaning up was a task she saw as meant for someone else, not for her.
Unfinished Projects: Most of Julie's projects would never be completed. This has been particularly challenging as we tried to build a farm. The combination of trash everywhere and unfinished projects led to wasted money and time, and I felt powerless to change it.
Ignoring Problems: Julie did not see or acknowledge these issues. Instead of keeping walkways clear, she would leave items in the path and simply step over them. Over the years, she has left out all kinds of tools, contributing to a disorganized and inefficient environment.
Uncontrollable spending: I have very little money with just a couple months of savings left. Julie spent it all instead of paying off our house, or saving it. I took control of our finances too late and I am paying the price for this!
The Impact of Unemployment
My unemployment has added another layer of complexity and stress to our situation:
Julie’s Inaction: Julie knew my layoff was coming throughout 2023. She was aware of it in the weeks leading up to the layoff, on the day it happened, and she knows I remain unemployed. Despite this, she has been unable to process that she needs to help and make money to keep us from being homeless.
Lack of Response: Julie knows the urgency, but she doesn’t understand that she actually has to take action instead of waiting. She is the master of waiting to see what happens, but unfortunately, I’m not so sure the "waiting to see" approach is going to work this time.
No More Options: I have exhausted all my options. The situation has left me feeling isolated and desperate, with Julie's dissociation making our relationship potentially unrecoverable.
Conclusion
Recognizing these dissociative experiences is crucial for understanding the profound impact of covert malignant narcissists. By identifying these patterns, you can take steps towards healing and regaining control over your life. It’s essential to seek professional support and surround yourself with understanding, empathetic individuals who can provide the necessary support on your journey to recovery. Remember, recovery is possible, and acknowledging your experiences is the first step toward healing.
If you’re living in a similar situation, know that you are not alone. The first step in breaking free from these patterns is recognizing them and seeking the support you deserve. By sharing these personal reflections, I hope to provide a beacon of understanding and compassion for those navigating the complex world of dissociation under the influence of a covert malignant narcissist.